


fall in love with me one more time

by meathermac



Category: NADDPOD - Fandom, Not Another D&D Podcast (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Character Study, F/F, Grief/Mourning, Introspection, M/M, NADDPod Campaign 1 Spoilers, No Dialogue, Post-100 Fic, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:54:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25177999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meathermac/pseuds/meathermac
Summary: How long does it take for a name to become little more than a title, a legend by which she’s recognized? How much time does she have left with the people that still call her Moony or sweetheart or youngin’ or--a look at moonshine and jaina over the years following the battle with thiala.
Relationships: Jaina Bronzebeard/Moonshine Cybin, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Moonshine Cybin & Hardwon Surefoot & Beverly Toegold V
Comments: 5
Kudos: 32





	fall in love with me one more time

**Author's Note:**

> two major things: 
> 
> 1\. this is some fucking SAD BULLSHIT. it is insanely angsty and focuses mainly around major character death!!! please keep yourself safe if you're not feeling up to it!!!  
> 2\. if you comment just to lecture me about undying sentinel, i'm. just don't do that, okay? it's my fic and you can write your own if it bothers you that much
> 
> and a third equally important but less relevant thing:  
> 3\. THANK YOU SO MUCH TO @KLStarre/Kestrel for being so kind as to beta this for me!!!! kes, you are ICONIC and i appreciate everything you do!!!!

The first thing that Moonshine thinks when she wakes up, still sweaty from the night before, arm pinned under a still-asleep Jaina, is  _ What if I fall in love with her? _

She doesn't trance much anymore. Her spells are less important, her time less valuable, and she got so used to sleeping when she was an adventurer. It's nice, really. 

It's strange to think about love, because she's  _ Moonshine Cybin, savior of the world, the gardener,  _ but she can't worry about that now. She's been worried about it for a year or so now, and she figures there are other names that might apply to her.  _ Scoutmaster, best friend, lover.  _

Her mind drifts, and she falls back asleep. 

-

Two years pass and Moonshine sees Jaina again on a trip to Irondeep, and they act as if they saw each other the day before. Moonshine is the woman who fully freed the dragons, Jaina is the heir apparent of Irondeep, but they are old friends and current lovers and there is an ease between the two of them. 

She is there to discuss the practicalities of the former caverns of Irondeep being used to form caves and sanctuaries for dragons. King MacGannis is more than willing to comply, because who would turn down Moonshine Cybin? 

There are only four people who can successfully say no to Moonshine Cybin--Hardwon, Beverly, Mee Maw, and  _ Jaina _ \-- 

Jaina, who is waiting for her after the meeting, and who kisses her hand and tells her about Irondeep nowadays, and who makes her feel like Moonshine and not  _ Moonshine Cybin _ . 

Her name means different things these days, because she’ll always be Moonshine Cybin, savior of the world, but who knows how long she’ll be Moonshine? 

How long does it take for a name to become little more than a title, a legend by which she’s recognized? How much time does she have left with the people that still call her Moony or sweetheart or youngin’ or--

(Maybe she’ll ask Alanis one of these days.)

Jaina and Moonshine talk more and more the longer they’re apart, and it’s nice just to be able to  _ chat _ , for lack of a better word, because she doesn’t have to tell Jaina about her latest adventures, they can just talk and it doesn’t have to  _ mean _ anything. 

She’s so sick of her words having to mean something. 

They kiss and kiss, and it feels natural and comfortable, and even when Moonshine wakes up in the morning and doesn’t recognize the room, she knows that the woman who’s still sleeping even though it’s well past noon is still Jaina and she doesn’t have to ask herself the same questions she used to. 

_ I’m in love with her.  _

-

Mee Maw asks her if she’s still conflicted about her Timeless Body. Moonshine doesn’t know how to respond, because it’s hard enough to think about the next week without being terrified of the next world-ending event she could be forced to deal with. 

(It’s insane to think, of course, that there could be someone or some _ thing _ as bad as Thiala in the future, but she could have never imagined the battle with Thiala when she first left the Crick. As much as she desperately wants to settle down and leave things be, it doesn’t feel like she  _ deserves  _ it. There could always be something worse.)

Elves can live to be 800 years old. Moonshine might be alive for eight  _ thousand _ . 

Halflings live for around 150, same with half-elves. Dwarves will live for 300. She cannot fathom that her life will continue past the next month, but just thinking about the numbers leaves her with the insurmountable truth--she will outlive her best friends. 

_ Eight thousand. _

She asks Mee Maw not to mention it again for a while, then goes back to work.

-

Another ten years pass and she asks Jaina to meet her in Smuggler’s Bounty for the weekend, and they pretend that no time has passed at all. 

But they make eye contact across the bar and Moonshine falls in love again. 

She feels young again (she  _ is _ young, barely 40 years old, Melora damn it) and she feels stupid, and it’s like a weight is lifted off her shoulders. 

It must be nice to feel like this all the time. 

Some nights Moonshine doesn’t sleep or trance or even register the passage of time, she just lies there and  _ wonders _ , because the what-if’s don’t leave her alone even after they’ve already chosen an ending. 

The cynical part of her brain asks if Jaina is little more than a distraction. Her heart knows better. 

There is so much they do not say because neither of them want to hear it, but they talk about dragons and dwarves and they gossip about old friends and they  _ laugh _ and they  _ smile-- _

Moonshine stops thinking so much and just loses herself in the happiness of it all, the simplicity of the conversation, the chatter of the crowd, and she ignores everyone who’s staring at her because she’s looking at Jaina,  _ Jaina,  _ who is looking right back at her. 

Nights are always different with Jaina. Putting aside the obvious--which is that Jaina is the best sex she’s ever had and damn it if it doesn’t feel good to get back to that every once in a while--she can say a hundred times that it feels good to be Moonshine and it’ll be more true every time. 

It’s the thing no one tells you about being a hero, that you might never be yourself again. 

People don’t know how to say no to her anymore. They apologize for the slightest inconvenience. She cannot really make  _ friends _ anymore, because she is lauded as a savior and a hero and people are  _ afraid _ to talk to her sometimes. Moonshine isn’t a crick elf, she’s the  _ pride of the elves _ , and every other part of her personality has shifted to fit the adventure she went on. It’s hard to be a crick elf when you’ve fought gods and saved the world. 

Is she really that damn different?

\- 

It’s only a year before they see each other again, this time for Beverly’s  _ wedding _ , and Moonshine damn near killed herself laughing at the invitation. It’s a strangely therapeutic thing, even if it feels wrong to be laughing at something so important, and she wants to send the invitation to herself before her last fight with Thiala and say,  _ Here, I promise this all turns out okay.  _

The strange feeling of success contributes to her mood for the next few weeks and she is ecstatic to be with her family again, even if it’s been a day since they last talked and a week since their last get-together, because Moonshine will always be one part of  four three and it feels so  _ good _ to be whole again. 

She barely registers the event itself, instead choosing to play at being her younger self again. She flirts with the Dark Lord of Shadowfell and tries to get Egwene to admit she’s cool, she convinces Hardwon to pull silly pranks with her and she gets caught in a closet with Jaina and Moonshine is  _ Moonshine _ again, as stupid as that sounds. 

There are too many details to name, too many stories to recount, and she promises her best friends that she’ll let them ride a dragon some day and that she will write them as soon as she can (she will, she swears she will). Moonshine barely remembers most of the week she spends with her family and her friends, but it makes her feel warm just to remember that it happened. 

The ceremony in itself is gorgeous, but she can only recall the photo of Balnor on a chair in the front row before she collapses into tears. 

She may as well live forever, with all the time she’ll spend without her family. 

(There was a time a while ago when Bev asked her what it meant to live forever. She told him she hoped he never had to find out. 

She’s starting to think she doesn’t want to find out either.)

Beverly Toegold is dramatic and caring and impulsive, and Moonshine doesn’t want to watch him lose his spirit as he loses his friends and family. She wants him to grow up. 

He never got to grow up right. Thiala made it damn near impossible--a sixteen-year-old shouldn’t be  _ fighting gods _ and traversing through Hell. She doesn’t want him to have to sacrifice the rest of his life as well. 

(She is dancing with Jaina at her best friend’s wedding, and Moonshine is laughing, happy as she’ll ever be, and she’s in  _ love  _ and she’s with her family and she is  _ happy. _

She congratulates Beverly and Erlin, because it’s been thirteen years and she’s happy for them. It’s what they deserve after the life they had to live first.) 

The week she spends with her family is the shortest week of her entire life, and when she returns to the Crick, she is sullen and withdrawn. Even if Hardwon is there with her, something is different--she adores him, he’s her best friend, but he  _ lives _ there and she is gone half the time trying to settle disputes between cities about dragons and  _ whatever _ . 

It happens every time Moonshine leaves to see her family. It’s hard to readjust. 

What will it be like the first time one of them leaves her for good?

-

It is horrifyingly sad. It is like losing a part of herself. 

Some days she will reach out for a hand that is no longer there. She will look for a face in the crowd that has disappeared for good. 

It is harder to lose a friend from old age than from battle, she thinks. The more time you get with someone the more you miss them when they leave you. 

Moonshine will miss him. Her heart will ache: a dull, throbbing pain that pulls her inward, leaves her wanting, but she will not cry. She will comfort everyone else. 

They stand in a line, the mother, the best friend, the sister, the brother, and none of them say a word. 

Moonshine is holding Lydia and Jaina’s hands as tightly as she can, and she cannot look Beverly in the eye. It feels like admitting something she can’t even convince herself of. 

There is a hollow feeling in her chest for the rest of her life. 

-

Forever is a lot longer than she thought it was going to be. 

Beverly and Hardwon are gone. She cannot change that. They do not leave her because they want to, but because they have to--Hardwon because he cannot go on, Beverly because he doesn’t want to--and the dull, hollow ache turns into a cavernous hole. 

She is only 350 years old, which is barely middle-aged for an elf, but she knows that she only has a few precious years left with Jaina. 

Jaina is the only one left. 

Moonshine meets Jaina at the Crick and they sit on the bank, hands entwined, and they don’t say anything. They don’t need to. 

It’s not like when they were younger, when they would just talk and talk without really saying anything, this is truly silence. There’s no words left to say. 

Moonshine leans her head on Jaina’s shoulder and sighs. It’s been a long life. 

-

They have gone by so many names. 

Moonshine Cybin, the savior of the world. The woman who freed the dragons. The gardener. The pride of the elves. 

Jaina Bronzebeard, the queen of Irondeep. The youngest Bronzebeard. The greatest dwarven fighter of her time. 

Jaina’s girlfriend. Beverly’s scoutmaster. Hardwon’s best friend. 

Gemma’s sister. Moonshine’s lover. 

Moonshine. 

Jaina. 

It gets so much harder to define yourself in terms of other people the older you get, the less people that really know you there are. 

Moonshine has been here for so long, and she will be here for so much longer. It is too much to think about. 

For now, she kisses Jaina’s cheek and sighs, and she falls in love one more time. 

**Author's Note:**

> i'm not apologizing
> 
> please leave a kudos or a comment if you enjoyed!!!! i'm really proud of how this turned out!!! (unless you are going to comment about undying sentinel in which case I Pretend I Do Not See It)
> 
> love you all, have an excellent day/night!!!


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